Quotes About Humor

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? That means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

The hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be that you're constantly referred to as a clown. "Who was that clown?" "I'm not working with that clown. Did you hire that clown?" "The guy's a clown!"

They design the car alarm so it will behave as if it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, disturbs it, "Aaaaaahhhhhhh!" Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Wouldn't it be nice to have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? Somebody tries to break in, it goes, "Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me?"

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day

I'm wearing a diaper. Right now.

Did you ever meet someone who either had no sense of humor or was never serious, you couldn't tell which?

Did I get my picture in the yearbook under "Most Likely to Commit Suicide"?

During the Great Depression, when people laughed their worries disappeared. Audiences loved these funny men. I decided to become one.

I don't think my judgment is that good. I don't know what is funny.

So kiss me where the sun don't shine, and I don't mean London.

Einstein looked as if he'd just smoked an exploding cigar." Albert's years at the patent office were wonderful.