Quotes About Humor

I wanted to be in Jim Carrey comedy movies before I met him. I wanted to be a comedian on Stage 19, yukking it up.

Almost everyone has or will experience getting dumped in their lifetime. Unless, of course, you're a nun. Jesus can't dump nuns.

Also because I'm always saying he could quit his job if he wanted and we'll go somewhere cheap and live on rice and beans with our kid. My husband doesn't believe me about that last bit. And why should he? Once I spent $13 on a piece of cheese.

At night, they lie in bed holding hands. It is possible if she is stealthy enough that the wife can do this while secretly giving the husband the finger.

My friend laughs. "I don't think they go with the way you dress." How do I dress? I wonder. Like a bus driver is the answer.

A woman in her forties was told by her doctor that she had to improve her health. The doctor suggested that she take up jogging and run two miles every day. He told her to call him in two weeks and tell him how she felt. Two weeks later, the woman checked in. "So how are you doing?" the doctor asked. "I feel pretty good," the woman said, "but I'm twenty-eight miles from home.

Two Jokes 1. A man is standing on the bank of a river when it suddenly begins to flood. His wife and his mistress are both being swept away. Who should he save? His wife. (Because his mistress will always understand.) 2. A man is standing on the bank of a river when it suddenly begins to flood. His wife and his mistress are both being swept away. Who should he save? His mistress. (Because his wife will never understand.)

I tell Eli I will take him out to eat at the diner. NO ANIMALS ALLOWED, the sign outside the restaurant reads. "But we are animals, right?" "Don't be a stickler," I tell him.

How has she become one of those people who wears yoga pants all day? She used to make fun of those people. With their happiness maps and their gratitude journals and their bags made out of recycled tire treads. But now it seems possible that the truth about getting older is that there are fewer and fewer things to make fun of until finally there is nothing you are sure you will never be.

How had she become one of those people who wears yoga pants all day? She used to make fun of those people. With their happiness maps and their gratitude journals and their bags made out of recycled tire treads. But now it seems possible that the truth about getting older is that there are fewer and fewer things to make fun of until finally there is nothing you are sure you will never be.

I came up with the best pastime in the history of man. What you do is find an aerosol tin of spray adhesive, such as you would use to stick posters to a wall. You then lie in wait and when a wasp flies by, you leap out and give it a squirt. Bingo. One minute it's flying; the next it's tumbling silently out of the sky with a confused look on its stupid little face.

on iPhone) the battery is fine. It lasts for four days. Though this might have something to do with the fact that I'm a man, and therefore only think to use a phone when I'm on a cliff, clinging to a branch, in a howling gale. And only then as a last resort.

IF THE MCLAREN P1 ISN'T FASTER THAN THOSE OTHER TWO CARS YOU CAN KNOCK MY HOUSE DOWN … OH BUGGER' – JEREMY CLARKSON

I tapped the drunken Scotsman on the shoulder and said, as politely as possible: 'Excuse me.' He whirled round, his eyes full of fire and his hands balled into steel-hard fists. But the blow never came. 'Christ, you're a big bastard,' he said, and ran off. It was the proudest moment of my life.

And I'm not sure I would like it in Brazil, either, having to walk around in a thong to demonstrate that I had nothing about my person worth stealing.

Sceeeeeeeeeeeeee'

Honest to God, the Qubo is so slow that if you climbed into one this morning in Hunstanton and attempted to drive south as fast as possible, coastal erosion would swallow you up by Wednesday evening.

But in my mind tractors are like penises. They cannot be too big.

Java is to JavaScript as ham is to hamster.

He has such a patronizing tone and manner, and such a sarcastic sense of humor. I found him rather brutal, a kind of elegant brutality which appealed. No, I think he came pretty much off the page.

In the 'Hurt Locker' there's a lot of me in there, a sense of humor, a man of few words and a lot of action.

And his dick looks like a hot dog that got hit with a sledgehammer and sewn back together by a blind lady." "Thanks, Port." "You're welcome, D.

I considered sex work, but then I bent over and looked at my asshole in a mirror. Nobody was going to pay me for access to that thing.

Instead I saw a fresh colostomy bag hanging from the side of his belly, "SHIT HAPPENS" written on the plastic in black felt-tip.