Quotes About Humor

Don't worry...it happens to lots of guys.

Whoever said laughter is the best medicine has clearly never tasted scotch.

I realize that humor isn't for everyone. It's only for people who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive.

What? You don't want any boiled beef tongue? Ha-ha. Eat the fucking tongue. We are the parents, they said, and you are the child.

Vivian, I'd like to give you my heart, but since that might be inconvenient I've brought you someone else's." "Rafe you jerk, this is a sheep's heart.

We challenge each other to be funnier and smarter.

No one ever thought Clint Eastwood was funny, but he was.

Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.

Only a stupid golfer throws his club behind him. The smart golfer throws his club ahead so he can pick it up on the way to the next hole. Always remember: Golf clubs don't float

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Why do people say "no offense" right before they're about to offend you?

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Guns don't kill people, dads with daughters do.

I always take life with a grain of salt. . . plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket. . . I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

If you're ever in a jam, a crayon scrunched up under your nose makes a good pretend mustache.

Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.