Quotes About Humor

Grandmas don't just say "that's nice" — they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money's worth out of grandmas.

Traveler: "God has been mighty good to your fields, Mr. Farmer." Farmer: "You should have seen how he treated them when I wasn't around."

To kill time, a committee meeting is the perfect weapon.

Sarcasm is the sour cream of wit.

You know you live in Phoenix when you've experienced condensation on your butt cheeks from the hot water evaporating in the toilet bowl.

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.

Snaughling: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.

This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.

A pun is a short quip followed by a long groan.

Gray hair is a blessing - ask any bald man.

Even if there is nothing to laugh about, laugh on credit.

Never cry over spilt milk. It could've been whiskey.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Tyrannosaurus drives. Tyrannosaurus texts. Tyrannosaurus rex.

Do I like my coffee black? There are other colors?

I cut down trees, I skip and jump,I like to press wild flowers.I put on women's clothingAnd hang around in bars.

One bright day in the middle of night two dead boys rose to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot one another. A deaf policeman heard the noise, and saved the lives of the two dead boys. If you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.

Unsafe acts will keep you in stitches.

No one is listening until you fart.

My blood type is Folgers.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

I'm a babe magnet... just the wrong end.

If your husband and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Families are like fudge — mostly sweet with a few nuts.