Quotes About Humor

You might be a fireman if you've ever said, "she's hot tonight" and not been talking about a girl.

Curling... when you can tell your lady that she is wide without fear of getting whacked upside the head with a cast iron pan. Or proclaim out loud that she is too heavy, knowing that your comment has been heard by countless bystanders. Where you can order your better half to sweep, sweep hard, and having the never before seen result of actually seeing her gutting it out just to please you! For in curling, you are the king of the house!

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

The things you did with that cucumber in college does not make you a vegetarian.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

Save a tree. Eat a beaver.

My husband is a human pincushion.

To laugh is human but to moo is bovine.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

Would you keep a chive on your tooth just because you enjoyed last night's potato?

Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

Video games ruined my life. (Good thing I have two more.)

I like my new telephone, my computer works just fine, my calculator is perfect, but Lord, I miss my mind!

Q: How do bunnies stay healthy? A: Egg-xercise!

As the crackling of thorns under a pot, so is the laughter of the fool.

I've used up all my sick days so I'm calling in dead.

There are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

The best way to stop smoking is to carry wet matches.

Mother-in-law: a woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Yes, Officer, I did see the speed limit sign. I just didn't see you.