Quotes About Humor

The three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

It's really the cat's house - we just pay the mortgage.

I have a degree in liberal arts. Do you want fries with that?

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your cigarettes.

The only exercise I take is acting as pall-bearer to my friends who have indulged in strenuous exercise!

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

DOS computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

I bought a decaffeinated coffee table, you can't even see a difference.

In dog years, I'm dead.

Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.

Ultimately, aren't we all just talking monkeys with an attitude problem?

If time and space are curved, where do all of the straight people come from?

Man 1: Where are you from? Man 2: From a place where we do not end sentences with prepositions. Man 1: Okay, where are you from, jackass?

When a cow laughs, does milk come out her nose?

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

I love to play hide and seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can't find me until after high school.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

Valentine's Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is.

English is a funny language; that explains why we park our car on the driveway and drive our car on the parkway.

Take life with a grain of salt, a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila.

Home cooking: where many a man thinks his wife is.

C:COFFEE.POT missing (A)bort (R)etry (F)all asleep?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?