Quotes About Humor

Dear wife, I'm sorry that I am mysteriously incapable of folding clean laundry, but I iron, oh, I iron. Sweetheart, I'll make your white shirt so crisp and sharp that it will split atoms as you walk.

Yep, I have to admit that isosceles triangles make me feel hormonal.

Shoving hot bread up a roasting bird's ass & feasting on it seems like an apt celebration of colonialism.

I don't think you should run through life with a real erect penis. But you should approach life – with the real possibility that you might get a metaphorical boner at any point.

Naked women + right hand = happy happy joy joy

Whites and Indians laughed at most of the same jokes, but they laughed for different reasons.

Hey, Dad," I said. "What do Indians have to be so thankful for?" "We should give thanks that they didn't kill all of us." We laughed like crazy.

And if God hadn't wanted us to masturbate, then God wouldn't have given us thumbs. So I thank God for my thumbs.

The two funniest tribes I've ever been around are Indians and Jews, so I guess that says something about the inherent humor of genocide.

Far be it from me to ever let my common sense get in the way of my stupidity. I say we press on.

Let me BBQ the red headed bitch goddess - Simi

Well, someone slap my butt and give me a hero cookie. (Nick)

Cupid, you worthless bastard, I summon you to human form! (Julian) Gee, I can't imagine why he wouldn't respond to that. (Grace)

Laugh it up, asshole. But she who laughs last laughs longest, and I intend to belly roll tonight ~Tabitha

Nick - Psycho-ass? You're bringing psycho-ass back? Zarek - That's Mister Psycho-ass to you, punk.

Be kind to dragons, for thou art crunchy when toasted and taste good with ketchup. (Sebastian)

Baby, it's either laugh or cry and crying takes way too much energy. If you can't find humor in the shit life heaps on you, you really will grow miserable.

Hey, T-Rex? Remind me next time I want to get smartass with you that it's a really stupid move on my part? (Talon) Oh, no, you don't, you wuss. You told me the next time you saw Ash you were going to ask him if he'd seen the movie 10,000 BC and if it'd made him homesick. (Wulf)

Bed the woman until neither of you can walk, and get her out of your system. Remember, no matter what they are or where they come from, all women have one simple birth defect. BPD. BPD? Bitch Personality Disorder.

I got a shotgun and a backhoe and no one looks under a septic tank for a dead body. (Bubba)

There, there, baby. We'll hide her body in the trunk later. (Tory)

Not half as much as I'd miss me if you killed me. (He blinked like a girl and leaned against Ash's shoulder.) Please don't hurt me, Ash. Please. I don't want to die while I'm still a virgin. At least let me get laid before you kill me – which according to my mom I can't do until I'm married and I can't do that until I finish college. So you have to wait a good ten years before you snuff me. Deal? (Nick)

Is he a good boy? (Cherise) No, Mom, he's Satan incarnate. In fact, once it's over, we're going to get liquored up and tattooed, then find some cheap hos and have a good time with his trust fund. (Nick)

Hey, yummy leather guy? Can you hear me? (Amanda)