Quotes About Humor

Man, first I'm shot, now I'm going to be a friggin' zombie. At this rate, I'll never live to have my first date or a driver's license. Ah, gah! I've come too far to die a predestrian virgin. Bubba, you can't let me die…I only have seventeen more months and three days to my sixteenth birthday! (Nick)

Eleven thousand five hundred and fifty-one years old, and yes, I feel every day of it. (Acheron) Wow, I had no idea. Hell, I didn't even know we had people back then. (Nick) Yeah, I was part of the original Bedrock crew who worked in the quarry on the back of dinosaurs and ran with the Flintstones. Barney Rubble was short, but he played a good game of stone-knuckle. (Acheron)

Nah. I got it. Just try not to stake Jean-Luc again if you meet up with him. (Acheron) I can't help it. All you fanged people look alike in the dark. (Tabitha) Yeah. I know what you mean. All you soul-full people look alike to us, too. (Acheron)

Honey, you need to get laid. (Selena) Why don't you speak a little louder, Lanie? I don't think the guys in Canada were able to hear you. (Grace) Oh, I don't know. They're probably headed south even as we speak. (Waiter)

See... I knew baby Marissa was quality people, look how she's eating the head off the red-headed Artemis doll. Simi need to teach her to belch fire, then introduce her to the real heifer-Goddess herself(Simi)

Please don't let it be another cop. I'm outta bail money. Wait a minute…I could sell you on eBay and make a killing. (Mark) Not in my current condition. You'd have to sell Caleb or Madaug. I'm sure there's someone willing to buy two perfectly good white boys. (Nick)

Do Mom and Dad know you're dating a homicidal lunatic? (Madaug) No, and if you tell them, I'll superglue your fingertips to your keyboard. (Eric)

Menoeceus is a great name. (Astrid) For an old man or a feminine hygiene product. Not for my son. And next time I get to name the kid and it won't be something that sounds like meningitis. (Zarek) You keep that up and next time you'll be the one birthing it, and don't mess with me, bucko, I have connections in that department. A pregnant man is not an impossibility in my neighborhood. (Astrid)

Oh contraire, mon frère. I'm able to annoy all adults in ten syllables or less. Sometimes, I don't even have to speak at all. I just walk into the room and it rankles them.

God forbid I should bleed to death, eh? Then you'd have to cart around my rotting corpse. (Kyrian) Could you be any more morbid? Jeez, who was your idol growing up? Boris Karloff? (Amanda) Hannibal, actually. (Kyrian) You're trying to scare me, aren't you? Well, it won't work. I grew up in a house with an angry poltergeist and two sisters who used to conjure demons just to fight them. Buster, I've seen it all and your gallows humor isn't working on me. (Amanda)

Looking at their son on ultrasound.) He looks like an angel. (Cassandra) I don't know. I think he looks like a frog or something. (Wulf)

Yo, dumbass. What do you think she'd be doing with them? Giving them ballet lessons? (Darling) Tell me again why I can't kill him? (Hauk) You're afraid of handling explosives. (Nykyrian) One day I'm going to get over that and when I do…(Hauk) I'll wisely stop annoying you. (Darling)

So, does this make you visibly challenged? (Nick) No, but if you don't lay off me, I'm going to make you breathing impaired. (Acheron)

I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? - Tabitha

Shut up, Nick. (Talon) 'Shut up, Nick, heel, sit, fetch.' Love you too, Celt. (Nick)

Ewwww-eee-wwww. Hey Ash, you vant to suck my blud? (Fang) No, thanks. The last thing I want is to catch parvo from you, or some other freaky dog disease that makes me lift my leg around hydrants. (Acheron)

Oh, good grief! I've never had a man pick me up before and not grunt like he's dying. I'm in heaven. Marry me, Ash, please! (Pam) I would say yes, but I come with more baggage than even Samsonite can cover. (Acheron)

You're barely one step up from the Australopithecines, aren't you? (Acheron) Hey, be respectful when you say that, snot nose. Haven't you seen the commercials? Us cavemen are very sensitive people. (Savitar)

I'm going to be exposed, aren't I? (Acheron) I don't know. You planning on dropping your pants around me? If so, warn me first. I don't want to go blind. (Savitar)

C'mon, Tally. Don't you want your clothes, your keys? Oh wait, how about some dignity? (Kyrian)

One of you guys is going to have to feed the vampiric lawyer some blood and it can't be me. (Caleb) Why? You afraid of a little bite? I'm anemic. (Nick) And I'm Catholic. Doesn't that knock me out of the running? (Nick)

Get off me, you lard-ass, halitosis, flea-infested horror-movie reject! (Alexion)

Dead or alive, the balls still hurt when kicked, huh? (Zarek)

Oh, gah, I've been slimed. (Jericho) It's not slime. It's a baby kiss. (Delphine) It's slime. (Zarek)