Quotes About Humor

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

Is there another word for synonym?

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

You can prick your finger ... Just don't finger your prick.

Tits always look better in a pink sweater.

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, Fuck waffles.

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.

You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get past around a minute, minute-and-a-half, I gotta get the f*** outta there.

We're all fucked. It helps to remember this.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital M tattooed on each cheek of your ass in pink and brown ink. Then when you bend over, it says Mom. Also, later on if you're havin' sex with your girlfriend, and her parents are in the next room, when you finish up you can just lie on your back, draw your legs up to your chest and silently say, 'Wow!

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!