Quotes About Humor

Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful!

Never approach a crying woman entering a sports bar carrying a harpoon gun.

The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.

Unbelievably, a goldfish can kill a gorilla. However, it does require a substantial element of surprise.

We're all fucked. It helps to remember that.

Whenever I hear about parents who have nine or ten children, the only thing I wonder is how they survive the birthday parties.

In some company it's perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick.

Do you know why it is that when a rancher fucks a sheep he does it at the edge of a cliff? It's so the sheep will push back.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Why don't the men have "Take Our Sons to the Cat-House Night"?

I recently heard the following sentence on CNN: 'Because of high winds, about two hundred and fifty thousand people in New England are without power.' And I thought 'gee, when you think about it, about two hundred and seventy five million people in the United States are without power. They just aren't aware of it.

We're all f***ed, it helps to remember that.

In Baltimore it's 6:42!

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

Today, I want to tell you about little Danny Pendejo.

The wit of a family is usually best received among strangers.

I am not quite sure whether clever men ever dance.

I know the way o' wives; they set one on to abuse their husbands, and then they turn round on one and praise 'em as if they wanted to sell 'em.

What can promote innocent mirth, and I may say virtue, more than a good riddle?

Destiny stands by sarcastic with our dramatis personæ folded in her hand.

she took her husband's jokes and joviality as patiently as everything else, considering that men would be so, and viewing the stronger sex in the light of animals whom it had pleased Heaven to make naturally troublesome, like bulls and turkey-cocks.

Oh, you dear good father! cried Mary, putting her hands round her father´s neck, while he bent his head placidly, willing to be caressed. I wonder if any other girl thinks her father the best man in the world. Nonsense, child; you´ll think your husband better. Impossible, said Mary, relapsing into her usual tone, husbands are an inferior class of men, who require keeping in order.

Impossible, said Mary, relapsing into her usual tone; husbands are an inferior class of men, who require keeping in order.

Happily she never attempted to joke, and this perhaps was the most decisive mark of her cleverness