Quotes About Humor

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.' Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!

Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] Look, they nearly missed! Yes, but not quite.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, I'm goin' upstairs to fuck your grandmother. He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old.

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.