Quotes About Humor

To be honest, I'd be the last person who should be doling out gardeinng advice. I don't have the patience for growing things. Yes, I realize there's nothing quite as satisfying as eating food that you've pulled up from the ground and that's why, at the height of the planting season, I bury cans of tomato soup in my backyard and dig them up in late spring.

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals.

Do you feel insecure because you keep getting the nagging feeling that you're not that smart? Well, I've got good news for you, my friend. You have no need to be insecure. That nagging feeling is absolutely right on target. You are not that smart. But I have more good news for you. You are also not alone.

The only way a no-legged leopard could hurt you is if it fell out of a tree onto your head.

There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where's the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones?

Actually this is really funny - one time she accidentally forgot to leave a note and I had no idea she had even moved. I was living in the house with a beautiful Mexican family for three months before I realized they weren't my cousins visiting from out of town. They were so nice. They called me "Quien es, quien es," which I thought was a beautiful name.

You never know what funny can do.

Knock, knock… Who's there?… Little endorphin… Little endorphin who?… Little endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh, and then you laugh. See? It's science.

If you have to say you're kidding, it might not be a great joke.

Asking who's "the man" and who's "the woman" in a same-sex relationship is like asking which chopstick is the fork.

I'm happy, for example, that I no longer eat paste, like I did when I was twenty-four.

woken up by houseboy Mañuel 10:00:07 a.m.—Quietly utter the word "snooze," letting Mañuel

I don't know why the word "mustache" exists, though. Can't we just call it lip hair?)

Here's a professional tip: If you have to say you're kidding, it might not be a great joke.

Reading Ellen's hilarious new book. Thirsty for tequila.

I love Jesus but I drink alittle- Gladis Hardy from the Ellen Show

First you have your baby, which in and of itself is a stunning feat. I won't go into specifics, but ouch and no thank you.

I went to the doctor to get a sonogram. I'm not pregnant, I just like to take a look once in a while; see what's going on in there.

Just the mother, father, and two little baby deer lit by the reddish glow of the setting sun. It was so beautiful, so perfect, so wonderful, and I thought, "Oh, I wish I had a gun." I could've just  Ã¢â'¬Â¦ BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG! I could have shot 'em, gutted em, skinned em, then sprinkled em on my cereal.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'why have I been singing 'wipe in the vaseline?' how many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the vaseline?' I am an idiot.

Laugh. Laugh as much as you can. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh. Keep doing it even if people are passing you on the street saying, "I can't tell if that person is laughing or crying, but either way they seem crazy, let's walk faster." Emote. It's okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.