Quotes About Humor

you might have some funny charges, if you like.

I'm 190 pounds of rock hard muscle, underneath 40 pounds of sturdy protective fat.

It has always amazed me how angry people can get at my stupidity. How do they think I feel? They only have to be around me a couple of hours at a time. I've got me all day.

As my exciting story opens, I am being punched in the stomach. But I guess a lot of stories start that way.

And I say to myself, please, John, don't throw up over Vladimir Putin.

The only man who really needs a tail coat is a man with a hole in his trousers.

One out of three hundred and twelve Americans is a bore... and a healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience.

I can't believe this beautiful woman who looks like a forest fairy could have married Sparerib.) Boggs rates her breasts as incredible. I must admit they are impressive.

I think if I were a woman I'd wear coffee as a perfume.

He laughs best who laughs last.

Where's the romance in life? Tell somebody your epitaph and what do you get? Jokes.

Ain't got no strawberries," the bartender said. "Then go out and kill some!

How are you, Hildy? Having a good time? Getting laid?" "Just did, thank you.

You might think she just liked the cut of my jib, but I've seen my jib and I'm here to tell you it's not cut that cute.

Adam says to God, "God, why did you make women so soft?" God says, "So that you will like them." Adam says, "God, why did you make women so warm and cuddly?" God says, "So that you will like them." Adam says to God, ''But, God, why did you make them so stupid?" God says, "So that they will like you.

The mere act of doing the unexpected thing created one funny moment after another.

I respect everything I make fun of.

I haven't had a fight since I was eleven. I only won that because she had an asthma attack.

Seen better fights than this at a prayer meeting.

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children now I have six children and no theories.

Enjoy thy stream, O harmless fish; And when an angler for his dish, Through gluttony's vile sin, Attempts, the wretch, to pull thee out, God give thee strength, O gentle trout, To pull the rascal in!

Pretty nearly any stroke of fate can be made to look like a funny coincidence if you try hard enough and wait long enough.

After all, it wouldn't be the first time that I'd let a beautiful woman rip the molecules of my body apart, shoot them through a light beam, and throw them back together somewhere else for credits. But that's another story...

Lance transformed into a giant banana.