Quotes About Humor

Q: Why can't Irishmen ever be lawyers? A: They can never make it past the bar.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Because breasts don't have eyes.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Two blondes are walking down the street. One reaches into her purse for a makeup compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know," she says. Her blonde friend has a look and says, "Of course, dummy. It's me!

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A: "Why are you shaking? I'm the one she's gonna eat.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel? A: Airbag.

Q: How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

Q: How many alto singers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They can't reach that high.

Q: Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a hooker? A: A hooker, because she can wash her crack and reuse it.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? A: Because it said "Concentrate.

Q: What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? A: "Honey, look at this—doughnut seeds.

Q: What is a forum? A: Two-um plus two-um.

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Two men are in a public bathroom, in adjoining stalls. One man calls over to the other, "Hey, there's no toilet paper in this stall, do you have any over there?" The second man replies, "No, sorry, I don't have any, either." The first man asks, "Well, do you have a newspaper?" The second man says, "No, sorry." The first man pauses then asks, "Do you have change for a twenty?

Q: Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead? A: Because she was trying to make up her mind.

Q: What do you call an eternity? A: Four blondes at a four-way stop.

Q: What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? A: "Some asshole has my pen.

Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? A: The taste.

The dentist says to his patient, "I have to pull this tooth, but don't worry, it will take just five minutes." The patient asks, "And how much will it cost?" The dentist replies, "A hundred dollars." "A hundred dollars for just a few minutes' work?" the patient asks. "I can pull it more slowly if you like.

Q: Why do fish live in salt water? A: Because pepper makes them sneeze.

Q: Why did the teacher jump into the lake? A: She wanted to test the waters.

Q: Why did God give blondes 2 percent more brains than horses? A: Because God didn't want them shitting on the street during parades.