Quotes About Humor

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer? A: He studied all year for the bra exam.

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea? A: Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.

Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A: He wanted cold hard cash.

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite.

Q: What do you call a witch who lives by the sea? A: A sandwitch.

A lawyer is standing in a long line outside a movie theater. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands massaging his shoulders and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but do you see me screwing the guy in front of me??

Q: What's invisible and smells of worms? A: Bird farts.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't a chicken.

Q: Why didn't the chicken cross the road? A: Because he was a chicken.

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking and well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hey, beautiful, can I buy you a drink?" She turns around and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just love to do it." "No kidding?" he replies, "I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?

Q: What dog keeps the best time? A: A watch dog.

Q: What happened to the two flies resting on a toilet seat? A: One got pissed off.

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef.

Q: What did the maxi-pad say to the fart? A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Q: What do cows make during an earthquake? A: Milkshakes.

Q: What do you call a cow that won't give milk? A: An udder failure.

Q: What do you call a cow that won't give milk? A: A milk dud.

Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots? A: Easter Bunny farts.

Q: What sort of farts do you get by mixing beans and onions? A: Tear gas.

Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A: Milk and quackers.

Q: Why did the Buddhist spill his coffee while driving to work? A: He had bad kar-mug.

A girl was riding the elevator down to the lobby. The elevator stopped on the tenth floor and a totally cute boy walked in. She farted. Thinking fast on her feet she said, "Cool ringtone, isn't it? Want me to send it to you?