Quotes About Humor

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I am sooooo drunk!

Q: Why do men fart more frequently than women? A: Because women don't stay quiet long enough to build up the pressure.

Q: Did you hear about the constipated accountant? A: He couldn't budget.

Q: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? A: He worked it out with a pencil.

Q: Did you hear about the constipated Wheel of Fortune player? A: He wanted to buy a bowel.

An elderly man with Alzheimer's walks into a bar and notices a rather sexy elderly woman sitting alone at the bar. He saunters over, sits beside her, and says, "Do I come here often?

Q: What do blondes and computers have in common? A: You never truly appreciate them until they go down on you.

Q: Why did the stoner cross the road? A: His dealer lived on the other side.

A lawyer calls a plumber to fix a leak in his shower. After about thirty minutes the plumber hands him a bill for $300. The lawyer is furious and says, "I'm a lawyer, and even I don't make that kind of money for thirty minutes of work!" The plumber replies, "Neither did I, when I was a lawyer.

Q: What has eight eyes and eight legs? A: Eight pirates.

Q: How did the pirate stop smoking? A: He used the patch.

Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex? A: Their mothers taught them not to talk with their mouths full.

Q: What's a pirate's favorite style of music? A: Aaaaargh & B.

Q: What do you call an Italian with his hands in his pocket? A: Mute.

A golf club walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him and says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You'll be driving later.

Q: Did you hear about the new pirate movie? A: It's rated aaaargh.

Waiter, waiter! This soup tastes funny. Then why aren't you laughing?

Grandpa was sitting on a park bench when a policeman walked by and asked, "Why are you crying?" Grandpa said, "I'm in love with a twenty-year-old woman. She's smart, sexy, and rich!" "There now," said the policeman, "there's no need to cry about it." "Sure there is! I forget where we live.

Waiter, waiter! There's a twig in my soup. Hold on, sir, I'll get the branch manager.

I typically avoid looking in the mirror for fear I will accidentally intimidate myself.

Did you just smack me in the face with a fish?" "I did." "Why did you just smack me in the face with a fish, Danny?

You can fuck your math teacher but you can't fuck math.

away—a sixty-mile round-trip with Hoel was about as much fun as a barbed-wire enema.

No wonder I'm anxious: I'm like Woody Allen trapped in John Calvin.