Quotes About Humor

I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!

Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!

I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.

Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!

That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.

President Bush, have a hot dog with me.

Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.

America has faced hardships in the past but we have always mounted a comeback! We defeated the Nazis, we defeated the Native Americans, we defeated the environment, we even defeated the Metric System! Kilos? Sorry, that's drug talk. This is America! Where we eat fruit by the foot, not muesli by the meter.

Look, I've got nothing against brains. Some of my best friends have them.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, I hope it lands on a philosophy professor.

I love making observations. That one is a classic example.

Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it.

When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.

The Yankees' Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees.

That's why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can't channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.

had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.

If you're saying farewell to your arms, what do you use to wave goodbye?

Don't let your girlfriend cut your hair!