Quotes About Humor

It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

Finally, though, she had to admit a penis was silly, mostly hiding, like a diphthong in a sentence you had to work too hard to figure out.

Under the circumstances, "a sense of humor and a great faith, or else a complete lack of imagination, are essential to sanity.

The alarm in the morning? Well, I have an old tape of Carlo Maria Giulini conducting the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra in a perfectly transcendent version in Shubert's seventh symphony. And I've rigged it up so that at exactly 7:30 every morning it falls from the ceiling onto my face.

Old professors never die, they just lose their faculties.

I'm not even tone deaf, that's the arse-mothering, fuck-nosed, bugger-sucking wank of the thing.

It would be impossible to imagine going through life without swearing, and without enjoying swearing.

You should give up.' 'Why?' 'For one thing, you'll live longer.' 'Oh, you don't live longer. It just seems longer.

I shall sustain a massive erection, that's what, and I shan't be answerable for the consequences. Some kind of ejaculation is almost bound to ensue and if either of you were to become pregnant I should never forgive myself.

Between funny and witty Falls the shadow

It's enough to be benign, to be gentle, to be funny, to be kind.

I found it all about as arousing as a Tupperware party.

I'm not even tone deaf, that's the arse-mothering, fuck-nosed, bugger-sucking wank of the thing. I'M NOT EVEN TONE FUCKING DEAF. I'm tone DUMB.

Madam, I have been looking for a person who disliked gravy all my life; let us swear eternal friendship'.

Late, Fry?' 'Really, sir? So am I.' 'Don't try to be clever, boy.' 'Very good, sir. How stupid would you like me to be? Very stupid or only slightly stupid?

I think it was Harry Walpole who remarked, In this life one should try everything once except incest and country dancing.

I like to think of this little [newspaper] column as a brassière, or do I mean brasserie? Brazier, possibly. All three! A column that lifts, separates, supports, serves excellent cappuccino and crackles merrily with sweet-smelling old chestnuts.

A Hungarian Jew, as he looked to observe, is the only man who can follow you into a revolving door and come out first.

The class erupted into noisy laughter and, since I was always, and have always been, determined that merriment should never be seen to be at my expense, I joined in and accepted my star with as much pleased dignity as I could muster.

But, as the saying had it, old professors never die, they merely lose their faculties.

Wine can be a wiser teacher than ink, and banter is often better than books.

What did we see last night?" he asked. "It wasn't warfare. It was madness. Deception, savagery, dishonor, and disgrace. What have the mortals become?" "Terrible, isn't it? Who do they think they are—gods?" "There's a time for humor, Hermes, and this isn't it," said Apollo.

Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end.

Never scrub your arse with a wire brush.