Quotes About Humor

I've been insane for a long time. An ex-girlfriend of mine once asked, "Is it true that all comedians are depressed?," and I said, "Every one I know is."

Before I realized I had faults, I was already joking about it, to get attention. By the time I went to high school, I had a pretty practiced routine down.

Anyone who knows me knows that I don't know anything about politics. Every time I go to Washington, I feel like I'm in Legally Blonde.

I got Oedipus off the incest charge--technicality, of course--he didn't know it was his mother at the time.

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

You might be a redneck if you refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the day my ship came in.

By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family.

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT!

I think with a comedian, when you get to the point of a greatest hits, it's kind of an acknowledgment that you've been doing stand-up a long time, which not very many people do.

I want the roast to be like a party where everybody goes and has a good time.

Last time I was in Canada Celine Dion had just given birth to identical twins. Which is quite an achievement given her age and face.

The last time I saw a brow that low I was watching slides in anthropology class

I think as time goes by you'll get female comics who are weirder - you'll get a female Mighty Boosh.

What exactly did we learn in kindergarten? Nothing we wouldn't have learned if we;d stayed home. Okay, we learned that sometimes, by the time you get to the bathroom, it's too late.

Here's where I ask why don't you spend your time doing something safer and more boring. Like maybe administering suppositories to rabid gorillas.

President Obama just made his first presidential trip to the state of Utah. Obama spent his time in Utah just like you'd expect - telling people, 'Uh, no, I don't play for the Jazz.'

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

I think stand is better now than it's ever been. I think it's the greatest time ever to do standup comedy.

I always thought that being at Time and tweaking your bosses and exploiting your expense account was just fun. Just joyous.

God spent a little too much time on my nose.

When people quote sketches to me, half the time I don't know what they're talking about so I have to sort of go, aha, yes, oh yep, I remember that and lie my way out of it.

Remember that time in the minivan, twenty minutes ago, when we didn't die?

The last time I was this scared, I peed myself." "The last time I was this scared," Radar says, "I actually had to face a Dark Lord in order to make the world safe for wizards.