Quotes About Humor

I've always heard that women secretly want their father. So I used to walk around in a 1950s business suit, with a hat and a pipe. My opening line would be, 'You should be getting to bed now.'

I love to laugh, it's my main thing. I love to abuse the English language.

I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.

I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.

We can't profess love without talking through hand puppets.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

I bought all those [fitness] videos -- Richard Simmons, Jane Fonda. I love to sit and eat cookies and watch 'em.

I love to see movies and just other embarrassing stuff.

Young people with terminal illnesses develop a whimsical, slightly sarcastic sense of humor about it to put everyone else at ease and to serve as shining examples of grace in the face of colossally fucked-up events.

There is irony, and then there's my life.

I am the star in my own Shakespearean farce, never managing to sleep with one woman without wanting the other. The gods of sex and irony are playing hockey, and I am their unwitting puck.

The delivery of dead-on one-liners is rare in the nonscripted world. Usually, they occur to you only afterward, at which point, of course, they're completely worthless.

Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's.

You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?

Well, the most terrible fear that anybody should have is not war, is not a disease, not cancer or heart problems or food poisoning - it's a man or a woman without a sense of humor.

My mother and father were very strange people. They tried to be funny which is always very sad to me.

Reality, as frightening as it is, is very very funny.

If only all our conflicts could be resolved with a few grunts and a smack in the ass.

I really wouldn't want to live in America. I found New York claustrophobic and dirty. I missed England when I was there, simple things like smells and the British sense of humor.

Lobsters have more in common with you than you might think (particularly when you are feeling crabby—ha ha).

I know someone who was actually chased by a squirrel.)

I laughed right along with her, but inside I was dying. There were certain things that you just didn't joke about; it was simply bad luck. It was like pissing in the fate god's eye. If you did it long enough, he was certain to piss right back at you. And his urine stream was like a fucking fire hose. But

Doctor, as in "an apple a day"? Or one of those guys who's got an honorary title for staying in college too long?

Mathematicians can be persnickety about logical niceties. We're the kind of people who think it's funny, when asked, "Do you want soup or salad with that?" to reply, "Yes.