Quotes About Humor

It's amazing--my parents call everything a discussion. If I were standing across the street, firing a bazooka at my mother, while my father was launching mortar back at me, and Jeffery was charging down the driveway with a grenade in his teeth, my parents would say we should stop having this public "discussion".

Oh, good lord, Jeff. Don't go getting all emotional on me. I've been getting it from my mom, my dad, my sister, the freaking MAILMAN--I don't need it from you, too. All I ask is that you promise me one thing.' 'What?' 'Just water the plants while I'm gone, all right?' 'You don't have plants, Tad.' 'I know. I just always wanted to say that.

It was like seeing Bill Gates at age thirteen, times two. And half of him was wearing a cheerleader uniform. Yes, I know that's a weird image.

You look like a handsome young man…although you might want to zip your fly. Mom! What? Should I have not told you and left it for everyone else to notice at the dance?

Take care, Jeffy. I'll see you soon, right? Just remember not to throw food at the nurses. I don't want to get any complaint calls, OK? Steven, I don't throw food at…oh, that was a joke, right? Yup, buddy boy. It was a joke. But seriously, no kissing the nurses on the lips, either. It messes up their makeup. Eeeeeeewwwww!

Mr. Watras asked me whether I was practicing, and I told him I was practicing my tissue basketball skills.

Since when do you wear cologne to learn math? Oh, my son is growing up right in front of my very eyes. Maybe I should get out the video camera. Maybe you should tie me to a stake, douse me in kerosene, and torch me right on our front lawn. I won't need any kerosene, Steven - I'm sure the cologne will go up pretty fast! Ha-ha, Mom.

She pushed the car. But I was so distracted that i forgot to push the button on the timer, so we had to do the whole thing again. Which Lindsey found hilarious. "Ok" she said. "Are you ready NOW, or do we have to send you back to Button Pushing one-oh-one?" "Um, what's Button Pushing One-oh-one?" I was wearing a button down shirt that day. Lindsey reached out and poked one of the buttons into my chest. "There, that's how you push a button. Any questions?

There are going to be times in your life when you can't really do anything for anyone. So you might as well eat a knish. (p.116)

my little blurb wasn't going to win me any speaker-of-the-year awards, but at least I hadn't tripped and fallen off the stage, crushing and killing three elderly jazz fans.

Deus é gordo" - Vadinho ao voltar

Quincas Berro Dágua, divertidíssimo, tentava passar rasteiras no cabo e no negro, estendia a língua para os transeuntes, enfiou a cabeça por uma porta para espiar, malicioso, um casal de namorados, pretendia, a cada passo, estirar-se na rua.

a quien en el cantón conocíamos como 'eligio', para no tener que decirle eligio de puta.

El taco sudado es el Volkswagen de los tacos: práctico, bueno y económico

Para qué das esas palmadas? -Para ahuyentar a los elefantes. -Pero si aquí no hay elefantes. -Lo ves como funciona.

The alchemy of time transforms everything into comedy. Everything. Even crucifixion.

If we may believe our logicians, man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter.

I shall endeavor to enliven morality with wit, and to temper wit with morality.

Were I to prescribe a rule for drinking, it should be formed upon a saying quoted by Sir William Temple: the first glass for myself, the second for my friends, the third for good humor, and the fourth for mine enemies.

Man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter.

One should take good care not to grow too wise for so great a pleasure of life as laughter.

Nothing is so much admired, and so little understood, as wit.

Buenas noches. Don't mind the roaches.

As you proceed through life, following your own path, birds will shit on you. Don't bother to brush it off. Getting a comedic view of your situation gives you spiritual distance. Having a sense of humor saves you.