Quotes About Humor

Age is of no importance unless you are a cheese.

The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. If that ever happens, it's only because something happened during the interview that got me going, and then I had to translate my feelings to the mouth of the character.

Doug Stanhope is great - I saw his 'Burning the Bridge to Nowhere' show and it was inspiring. He's like an anti-shaman, taking the sting out of a bunch of things we've chosen to give a symbolic power to. I've made it sound noble and worthy there, it's not, it's really funny.

Politics is a thing that is kind of the same over and over and over again. But we have to find new ways of poking fun at it and letting the air out of people and satirizing things that are worthy of satire.

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.

If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.

He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.

If people never did silly things nothing intelligent would ever get done.

Are you stalking me? Because that would be super.

I'm unbelievably ticklish. When I was a little kid, my sisters would hold me down and tickle me until I peed my pants.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I did a few movies, but the word 'star'... I cannot compare to a star like Clint Eastwood. I used to call Clint 'Larry Dickman' when he would come to my show; then, he started using the name when he would go under cover in a 'Dirty Harry' movie. That's why he's a movie star... he's so creative.

If Heaven exists, to know that there's laughter, that would be a great thing.

Every morning, I would actually look at the obituaries before I had breakfast. And as a joke I said if I was not in it, I would have the breakfast.

It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.

I would trade 20 white babies for an Asian baby. If I'm ever rich, I want a closet full of Asian babies. And I'll just pull them out whenever I'm feeling down, you know? All kinds. Korean ones. Chinese ones. Vietnamese - not so much. My dad was in the war, and I hold a grudge.

I was never a Certified Public Accountant... I just had a degree in accounting. The reason I was never a Certified Public Accountant was because it would require passing a test, which I would not have been able to do.

If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks.

I would like to thank the press from the heart of my bottom.

Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley's very funny, very witty guy, very quick.

If I ever woke up with a dead hooker in my hotel room, Matt would be the first person I'd call.

My dear, did you ever stop to think what a wonderful bunker you would make?

Know thyself? If I knew myself I would run away.