Quotes About Humor

I don't have dating tips.

After God created the world, He made man and woman. Then, to keep the whole thing from collapsing, He invented humor.

Jim Bakker spells his name with 2 k's because 3 would be too obvious.

The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'

New Rule: Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And I'm not talking about this past Easter. I'm talking about the last time I celebrated Easter, in 1962.

New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are "same sex" marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex.

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake--you know, to send the right message to kids.

I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt? -timecode 1:11:10

Editorial cartooning] is essentially a destructive art. We are not pontificators, or molders of thought—or at least we shouldn't try to be. Ours is more the role of the lowly gadfly: circle and stab, circle and stab. Roughly put, our credo should be, if it's big, hit it.

Humor is really laughing off a hurt, grinning at misery.

The Best Way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.

Janelle woke up, terrified. This wasn't that unusual. Janelle was terrified over lots of stuff...spiders, hamsters, people. As a little girl, she once called 911 to report that her shadow was following her.

The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it.

Humor is everywhere, in that there's irony in just about anything a human does.

So remarkably deaf was my grandfather Squeers That he had to wear lightning-rods over his ears To even hear thunder, and oftentimes then He was forced to request it to thunder again.

Such harsh behavior is considered virtuous among the Apache. But here at the pass, where no outsiders are present, the chief is a different man. Cochise has a keen sense of humor, enjoys laughter, and is known for being cheerful. He can relax because he knows

If you have fun, fine. It's not all life and death.

Don't start that shit (laughs)

You want me to say something about Bill? Bill who? Bill Schroeder? Never heard of him… I'm kidding, of course.

He hit .200 with 14 homers in his career, but four of them were off Hall of Fame pitchers: Sandy Koufax (twice), Fergie Jenkins, and Gaylord Perry. "Every time I see Gaylord, he says, 'Here comes the worst day of my life,'" Uecker said

A few minutes later, there was a really faint tap on the door. I opened it, and there was a very short woman with a baseball cap pulled way down over her head, which made it hard to see her eyes. She reached her hand out, I grabbed what was in her hand, thanked her, and closed the door. I walked a few steps toward the coffee pot, looked at my hand, and realized she had handed me two condoms. There was a note that said, "Enjoy your stay.

Then, it hit me. I had asked for condiments. The woman from room service—who didn't speak English very well—thought I said condoms

I turned around, and there was Eddie. I didn't know what was happening. I thought it was a bizarre dream but slowly started to figure out that Dale gave Billy the key to his room, and my son, in his infinite wisdom, had given Dale the key to our room. These two idiots decided to mess with me by hopping into the bed naked.