Quotes About Humor

I was digging with a fork out of the kitchen drawer sewing tictacs , I didn't know what the hell I was doing. After a bit I got bored and just started burying cheap spoons to baffle the archaeologists of the future.

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

I'm a sort of like post-modern vegetarian, I eat meat........Ironically.

Charlie laughed and clapped

He had the sort of face that makes you realize God does have a sense of humor.

What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally shit myself lifeless.

I'll save me money, thanks. Already diagnosed meself, anyway. I'm a cactus.' 'Cactus? Right. Great work, there, Doc. I'm glad you're not my bloody doctor.

When are you gunna forget that? It was ages ago.' Only last year, actually. Reggie was convinced he had cancer because he had a black pot on his tongue - he switched to tea bags after the doctor told him it was a tea leaf.

I wouldn't go against Reggie and actively encourage Zoe to move in, but I think she and I would do okay together. If nothing else she could help me in my never-ending campaign. Some people want to save the rivers or save the whales, even save the entire planet - I just want to keep the toilet seat down.

We're the geniuses of the house because only a person intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

I recently turned fifty, which is young for a tree, mid-life for an elephant, and ancient for a quarter miler, whose son now says, "Dad, I just can't run the quarter with you anymore unless I bring something to read."

"Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it."

As parents, my wife and I have one thing in common. We're both afraid of children.

A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.

And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl...there's a little voice that say, 'I wonder where he would go...'...if it hadn't been for his head...