Quotes About Humor

He's so old his blood type was discontinued.

He is so old that his blood type was discontinued.

The gas station attendant looks at the car and says, "You got a flat tire." I said, "No, the other three just swelled up."

I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run..

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison

I'm here to kill the deer, She wants to take it shoppin.

its a dork fish

I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, "I don't want to get sick, what should I eat?" He said, "Peanut Butter." I said, "If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick?" He said," no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.

Perhaps naively I thought people understand what humor was, that it was invented by the human race to cope with the dark areas of life, problems and terrors.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. —George Burns

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? Eyes close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like He rushed it.

Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.

People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say Yeah? When?

On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.

It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time.

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day". Yeah, looks like He rushed it

It is, and has been, and will forever be, this world of ours, a fucking joke.

By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself.

The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they've never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people's minds, exposing them to the light.

Such a weird belief. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he's gonna want to see a fucking cross, man? "Ow." Might be why he hasn't shown up yet.

She was a southern girl, which is the same as saying she was insane.