Quotes About Irony

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.

He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend - provided, of course, that he really is dead.

I know of nothing more laughable than a doctor who does not die of old age.

This is the first age that's ever paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'di..', and 'Colon'.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.

I'm as pure as the driven slush.

Breasts like granite and a brain like swiss cheese.

If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking 'Do you want fries with that?'

While he was talking at Baylor University, President Bush said, Times are kind of tough. He also pointed out that Bill Gates is kind of rich, that water is kind of wet, and that Elvis is kind of dead.

Joan Collins unfortunately can't be with us tonight. She's busy attending the birth of her next husband.

In the end, everything is a gag.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Good taste and humour...are a contradiction in terms, like a chaste whore.

There's terrific merit in having no sense of humour, no sense of irony, practically no sense of anything at all. If you're born with these so-called defects you have a very good chance of getting to the top.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.