Quotes About Irony

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bi....

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.

I like children - fried.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks

If your girlfriend complains that you never take her anywhere expensive...take her to the gas station.

Saying I don't take my meds because they make me feel funny. Is like cannibals saying they don't eat clowns because the taste funny.

I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke.

When a woman says nothing's wrong that means everything is wrong and when a woman says everything's wrong that means everything is wrong. - Homer Simpson

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.