Quotes About Comedy

Comedy is the blues for people who can't sing.

You know what make me laugh? Good, clean, honest humor. Not-trying-to-be-funny humor. Like Will Ferrell. Will Ferrell got that kind of humor.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.

Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I'm not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we're doing here.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.

You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

Humor could not flourish in a wholly serious and rational atmosphere.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

No mind is thoroughly well organized that is deficient in a sense of humor.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Humor is such a strong weapon, such a strong answer.

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.