Quotes from Scott McNeely

Q: How do you make holy water? A: Fill a pot with water and boil the hell out of it.

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer.

Q: Why is 6 scared of 7? A: Because 7 ate 9 and 10.

Q: What do you call an ant that prefers to be alone? A: Independant.

Q: What's the difference between broccoli and boogers? A: Kids won't eat broccoli.

Q: How can you tell you're a redneck Jedi? A: You've uttered the phrase, "May the force be with y'all.

Q: What did the tomato do after falling behind in the race? A: Ketchup.

Q: What did the grape do when he got stepped on? A: He let out a little wine.

Q: Where do burgers like to dance? A: A meatball.

4) TAKE 2: What did Jesus say as he was being crucified? Don't touch my fuckin' Easter eggs. I'll be back on Monday.

Q: How can you tell you're a redneck Jedi? A: You've used a light saber to open a bottle of Bud.

Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital? A: It felt crummy.

Q: Why did the orange go to the hospital? A: It wasn't peeling well.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours? A: Nacho cheese.

Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip? A: Because "pot holder" was taken.

Q: What has four legs but can't walk? A: A table.

Q: What did one wall say to the other wall? A: I'll meet you at the corner.

Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet? A: You look a little flushed.

A Polish man was suffering from constipation, so his doctor pre-scribed suppositories. A week later the Pole complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results. "Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked. "What do you think I've been doing," the Pole replied, "shoving them up my ass?!

A Polish man is hired to paint lines on the highway. On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employer is amazed. On the second day he paints just five miles, and on the third day he paints only one mile of road. Disappointed, his boss asks, "What's the problem? Why are you painting less and less each day?" The Polish man replies, "Well, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket.

Q: What do you call a small river that runs into the Nile? A: Juvenile.

Q: What is the fruitiest subject at school? A: History, because it's full of dates.

Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? A: In case he got a hole in one.

Q: Why did the little boy put lipstick on his head? A: He wanted to make up his mind.