Quotes from Scott McNeely

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? A: One less drunk.

A man walks into a bar and sees a pretty girl sitting alone at the bar. "Hi, what's your name?" he asks. "Carmen," she says. "I had my name changed from Stephanie to Carmen because I love cars and I love men. What's your name?" He thinks for a second and says, "Beersex.

A slightly tipsy mathematician got home at 3 a.m. His wife was upset and yelled, "You're late! You said you'd be home by 11:45." The mathematician replied, "No, I am precisely on time. I said I'd be home by a quarter of twelve.

Q: Why can't Irishmen ever be lawyers? A: They can never make it past the bar.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Because breasts don't have eyes.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Two blondes are walking down the street. One reaches into her purse for a makeup compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know," she says. Her blonde friend has a look and says, "Of course, dummy. It's me!

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A: "Why are you shaking? I'm the one she's gonna eat.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel? A: Airbag.

Q: How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

Q: How many alto singers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They can't reach that high.

Q: Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a hooker? A: A hooker, because she can wash her crack and reuse it.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? A: Because it said "Concentrate.

Q: What is the definition of an archaeologist? A: A person whose career is in ruins.

Q: What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? A: "Honey, look at this—doughnut seeds.

Q: What is a forum? A: Two-um plus two-um.

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Two men are in a public bathroom, in adjoining stalls. One man calls over to the other, "Hey, there's no toilet paper in this stall, do you have any over there?" The second man replies, "No, sorry, I don't have any, either." The first man asks, "Well, do you have a newspaper?" The second man says, "No, sorry." The first man pauses then asks, "Do you have change for a twenty?

Q: Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead? A: Because she was trying to make up her mind.

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all ten of your paintings." "That's great! What's the bad news?" The gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor.

Q: What do you call an eternity? A: Four blondes at a four-way stop.

Q: What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? A: "Some asshole has my pen.