Quotes from Scott McNeely

A man is stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulls up and says, "Mister, I've got to take you in. You're clearly drunk." The man asks, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah," the cop says, "I'm sure. Let's go." Obviously relieved, the man says, "Thanks a million, officer. I thought I was a cripple.

Q: What is the definition of innocence? A: A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

Q: Why do so many white people get lost skiing? A: It's hard to find them in the snow.

Q: Why did God make farts smell? A: So deaf people could enjoy them, too.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: Sixty-eight. Because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: What's the square root of 69? A: Ate something.

Q: What do a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common? A: The more you play with them, the harder they get.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a crooked penis? A: Fucks funny.

Q: Why do midgets laugh when they run? A: Because the grass tickles their balls.

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs.

Q: What's the biggest problem working in a paperless office? A: Needing to shit.

Q: What do you get when an epileptic falls into a lettuce patch? A: Seizure salad.

Q: Why are there only 238 beans in Irish chili? A: Because just two more makes it two-farty.

Q: What do you call an epileptic holding a glass of milk? A: Milkshake.

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? A: Polaroids.

Q: What kind of bees give you milk? A: Boobees.

Q: What do you call an epileptic in a wheelchair? A: A transformer.

Q: What's the definition of surprise? A: A fart with a lump in it.

Q: What's the definition of bravery? A: A man with diarrhea, chancing a fart.

Q: What do you call an epileptic cow? A: Beef jerky.

Q: Why do Jewish men watch porn films backward? A: They love the bit where the prostitute gives back the money.

Q: Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC? A: Because it's finger-licking good!

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

Q: What's a Jewish woman's idea of natural childbirth? A: No makeup, whatsoever.