Quotes from Scott McNeely

Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? A: The taste.

Q: What did one ocean say to the other ocean? A: Nothing. They just waved.

The dentist says to his patient, "I have to pull this tooth, but don't worry, it will take just five minutes." The patient asks, "And how much will it cost?" The dentist replies, "A hundred dollars." "A hundred dollars for just a few minutes' work?" the patient asks. "I can pull it more slowly if you like.

Q: What kind of ship never sinks? A: Friendship.

Q: Why do fish live in salt water? A: Because pepper makes them sneeze.

Q: Why did the teacher jump into the lake? A: She wanted to test the waters.

Q: Why did God give blondes 2 percent more brains than horses? A: Because God didn't want them shitting on the street during parades.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer? A: He studied all year for the bra exam.

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea? A: Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.

A policeman stops a woman for speeding and asks to see her license. He looks at it and says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." "Well, I have contacts," the woman replies. "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket.

Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A: He wanted cold hard cash.

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Where do snowmen keep their money? A: In snow banks.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite.

Q: What do you call a witch who lives by the sea? A: A sandwitch.

Q: What do you call a witch who lives by the sea but won't go into the water? A: A chicken sandwitch.

A lawyer is standing in a long line outside a movie theater. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands massaging his shoulders and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but do you see me screwing the guy in front of me??

Q: What's invisible and smells of worms? A: Bird farts.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't a chicken.

Q: Why didn't the chicken cross the road? A: Because he was a chicken.

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking and well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hey, beautiful, can I buy you a drink?" She turns around and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just love to do it." "No kidding?" he replies, "I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?

Q: What dog keeps the best time? A: A watch dog.

Q: What happened to the two flies resting on a toilet seat? A: One got pissed off.