Quotes from Scott McNeely

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef.

Q: What did the maxi-pad say to the fart? A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Q: What do cows make during an earthquake? A: Milkshakes.

Q: What do you call a cow that won't give milk? A: An udder failure.

Q: What do you call a cow that won't give milk? A: A milk dud.

Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots? A: Easter Bunny farts.

Q: What sort of farts do you get by mixing beans and onions? A: Tear gas.

Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A: Milk and quackers.

Q: Why did the Buddhist spill his coffee while driving to work? A: He had bad kar-mug.

A girl was riding the elevator down to the lobby. The elevator stopped on the tenth floor and a totally cute boy walked in. She farted. Thinking fast on her feet she said, "Cool ringtone, isn't it? Want me to send it to you?

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I am sooooo drunk!

Q: Why do men fart more frequently than women? A: Because women don't stay quiet long enough to build up the pressure.

Q: Did you hear about the constipated accountant? A: He couldn't budget.

Q: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? A: He worked it out with a pencil.

Q: Did you hear about the constipated Wheel of Fortune player? A: He wanted to buy a bowel.

An elderly man with Alzheimer's walks into a bar and notices a rather sexy elderly woman sitting alone at the bar. He saunters over, sits beside her, and says, "Do I come here often?

Q: What is the best thing about being a hundred? A: No peer pressure.

Q: What do blondes and computers have in common? A: You never truly appreciate them until they go down on you.

Q: Why did the stoner cross the road? A: His dealer lived on the other side.

A lawyer calls a plumber to fix a leak in his shower. After about thirty minutes the plumber hands him a bill for $300. The lawyer is furious and says, "I'm a lawyer, and even I don't make that kind of money for thirty minutes of work!" The plumber replies, "Neither did I, when I was a lawyer.

Q: What has eight eyes and eight legs? A: Eight pirates.

Q: Why should old people always use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: How did the pirate stop smoking? A: He used the patch.

Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex? A: Their mothers taught them not to talk with their mouths full.