Quotes from Jasper Fforde

If you ever think you might want a career in politics, Inspector, think again. It's merely a continuous and mostly vain attempt to keep several groups of people with opposing needs and agendas happy, and knowing in your heart of hearts that you cannot, and being lambasted for you hard work in the bargain.

It was written in the ancient RUNIX spell-language, and is read-only and can't be modified.

The real world is a book in bad need of an editor

The best reason for committing loathsome and detestable acts--and let's face it, I am considered something of an expert in this field--is purely for their own sake. Monetary gain is all very well, but it dilutes the taste of wickedness to a lower level that is obtainable by anyone with an overdeveloped sense of avarice. True and baseless evil is as rare as the purest good--and we all know how rare that is...

You killed my pappy, said the youth, and my pappy's pappy. And his pappy's pappy. And my brothers Jethro, Hank, Hoss, Red, Peregrine, Marsh, Junior, Dizzy, Luke, Peregrine, George and all the others. I'm callin' you out, lawman.

And he gave me a smile that looked as though it had come from a hastily-read handbook on cultivating personal charm.

No one would argue that we owe a debt of gratitude to the Goliath Corporation. They helped us to rebuild after the Second War and it should not be forgotten. Of late, however, it seems as though the Goliath Corporation is falling far short of its promises of fairness and altruism. We are finding ourselves now in the unfortunate position of continuing to pay back a debt that has long since been paid--with interest...

Mr Cripp's last words were 'Good heavens! It's full of holes!' said Mary. 'Do you have any idea to what he was referring?' 'Most puzzling,' confessed the Vicar. 'He might have been referring to anything - the greenhouse, his cucumber, the plot - anything.' 'The plot?' echoed Mary. 'I mean the vegetable plot,' he said hurriedly.

She opened the door within two seconds of his pressing the doorbell, letting out a stream of cats that ran around with such rapidity and randomness of motion that they assumed a liquid state of furry purringness. The exact quantity could have been as low as three or as high as one hundred eight; no one could ever tell as they were all so dangerously hyperactive.

For my father John Standish Fforde 1920-2000 Who never knew I was to be published but would have been most proud nonetheless--and not a little surprised.

I got mixed up with some oddness in my youth, and the long and short of it is that I can't shuffle off this mortal coil until I have read the ten most boring classics.

Do you want some advice? Go home. You're far too inquisitive, and here in East Carmine curiosity only ends one way. Death? Worse - enlightenment.

Shame is the gateway emotion to increased self-criticism, which leads to realisation, an apology, outrage and eventually meaningful action. We're not holding our breaths that any appreciable members can be arsed to make the journey along that difficult chain of emotional honesty – many good people get past realisation, only to then get horribly stuck at apology – but we live in hope.

You're just a huge romantic at heart, aren't you? If there's cash involved, I'm anything you want me to be.

Ninjas are far more important to science than anyone realises. If we could capture one to study, I think most of science's biggest puzzles might be resolved.

Just walk through him, I said, still deep in thought. and if you ever wanted to know how a moose works, just stop halfway and take a good look around.

although her mouth uttered fond words, her eyes spoke only venom.

The best plans are always the simplest.

Good, said Moobin. Any questions? Yes, said Tiger. Why do inflammable and flammable mean the same thing? Sorry, I should rephrase that: Any questions relating to the job at hand? There weren't. Well, said Moobin with finality, there it is, then. Rest well.

long gaps between sequels to books.

If a shred of integrity fell into your soul, it would die a very lonely death.

Most of Mycroft's ideas were far too dangerous to even think about, much less let loose on a world unprepared for hyper-radical thought.

He had found that all snails have the capacity to do over one hundred miles per hour and find their way to a given location with pinpoint accuracy, but didn't because they were horribly lazy and couldn't be bothered.

To avoid a repeat of this near disaster, the Council of Genres took the only course of action open to them to ensure TGC would be too inefficient and unimaginative to pose a threat. They appointed a committee to run it.