Quotes from Dennis Miller

I lapsed into rude.

Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.

Never have lives less lived been more chronicled.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

The man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, "You mean I'm not going to prison?"

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

I'm glad I don't have a lot of money in the market. And quite frankly, you'd be better off giving your money to a colorblind roulette addict than put it in the stock market.

Wouldn't it be great if all of Osama bin Laden's money was tied up in Enron stock?

Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

I went to the UN and even the guidebook was spineless.

Companionate Conservatism - Making the streets safer before people are kicked out onto them.

Ah, Feminism in the nineties, what a What is yours what is mine field.

I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching.

When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.

I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.

Now I don't have anything against Mexican people, but for God's sakes, sign the gust book on the way in.

I've changed after 9/11. My friends are still my friends.Bill Maher is my friend. I don't agree with a lot of what he says. And there are times I think, "Oh, my God. How could he say that."

Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.