Quotes from Ron White

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.

I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.

I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.

I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life is giving them vodka, and have a party.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It's like anything else. It's a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.

The next time you have a thought . . . let it go.

When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.

I believe when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade...and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!

You can't fix stupid!

Barbara was actually Jeff Foxworthy's interior designer when we first met. So, not only was Jeff responsible for my success in my career, he also introduced me to the woman who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, which, I think, makes us even.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

We have hearing aids in order to fix our ears. We have lasik surgery in order to fix our eyes. People ... you can't fix stupid!

They call me Tater Salad

I didn't want to be DRUNK. IN. PUBLIC. I wanted to be drunk in a BAR. I was THROWN. into. public.

There is no cure for stupid.

There have been times when I played more than others, but I've been a road comic for a quarter of a century, so I've always played golf on the road because you have a lot of time to kill.