Quotes from Ron White

If you watch the 'Blue Collar Comedy Tour,' don't expect that when you come see me by myself, 'cause it's a little rougher.

It never dawned on me that I had the option of becoming a comedian. I come from a little dirt street town in northwest Texas, and they really don't talk about the arts there much on career day.

I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.

My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.

As long as I stay engaged with everybody else, then I'll create more comedy. It's just when I shut off and stay at home... What helps me is just to keep moving.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

I've got a role in the new Billy Bob Thornton movie that Billy Bob wrote and is going to direct called 'Jayne Mansfield's Car.' I only have four scenes, but I have as much dialogue as anybody in the movie.

When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

There's no such thing as a hit joke.

You can't fix stupid.

I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.

I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.

A killer Cuban restaurant with a giant cigar bar. Have me a Cuban sandwich. That's just like heaven to me. I'm a simple man.

Somebody the other day had a review, called me 'America's reprobate.' And I don't even know what that means, but I kinda like the way it sounds.

Pace, rhythm and timing. Pace, rhythm and timing is what it's about. The content's got to be great, but then it's got to be delivered. It's a tricky thing to do, and it takes a lot of work.

I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.

If I'm not in the theatre, I'm in an open mic night or doing a guest set at the Comedy Club, or whatever, just trying to develop stuff.

Anything I write that I consider stage-quality work, I won't give my TV show. I put it in my live show.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.