Quotes from Ron White

I don't know who in my family thinks very fast at all, including me. The things that people see me do onstage are written, so it doesn't have to be very quick if you have all day with a pen.

I was always a funny guy. I don't think anybody that makes it to this level of stand-up wasn't a funny guy when they were young.

I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.

My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

I'm a comedian, and I like to work on my live show, and if I'm doing television, I don't have time to work on my live show, and I can become a lame comic, and that sucks.

You can tell on-stage when a joke's starting to lose its pop. It doesn't mean people don't want to hear it anymore; it means I don't want to do it anymore. Because I want to move on to something that has a knee-jerk reaction just like you get when you tell somebody a joke that they've never heard.

I could do no wrong in my mother's eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.

If I'm in a town for very long, usually I'll work out in the comedy club just to keep my chops or work out the beats on new stuff.

The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.

I believe when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade...and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

I have a very fun life. I don't recommend it for anybody else, but it sure has been fun for me.

My favorite bands are the Allman Brothers and Red Hot Chili Peppers.

TV is a hard job. You work 15 hours a day. People tell you what to do. I hate to do it.

Any time someone achieves success before they've earned it, it always comes back to haunt them.

If I see someone out there mouthing the words to a bit, I'm not having fun.

People used to say I'm regional, but I'm not... We all have the same human condition.

I was a huge fan of comedy when I was a child.

I don't live under the illusion we don't need a military to protect this country.

I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.

If I sit down to write a joke about, whatever, the polluted Gulf of Mexico, it comes out mundane to me.

But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It's like anything else. It's a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.

All of my comedian friends are some of the best joke writers in the world.