Quotes from Lewis Black

I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic.

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.

I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.

The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.

I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.

What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding.

If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare.

Everybody's got cable.

Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York.

My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.

sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers

If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.

I'm always amazed when I hear people saying, "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes

Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.

The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.