Quotes from Jim Gaffigan

I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.

Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy.

My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.

Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they're going to cut up your baked potato.

My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy specials or being in better shape.

There are a lot of good looking men on this planet. It seems like once a week someone will tell me, "I know someone who looks like you" and I don't know what say to them except, "Tell them hi."

Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."

The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.

Twitter allowed me to talk about parenting in short snippets and find out what I really wanted to say about it, which is that I'm a dad who had no idea what he's doing.

Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'

I don't want people to think I believe in God.

That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.

I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.

I don't know if I'm the husky guy, but I'm the sexy guy who's a good kisser .

All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.