Quotes from George Carlin

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they're cramming for their final exam.

But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That's when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow.

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.