Quotes from George Carlin

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can come up with.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

When people say "clean as a whistle", they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.

In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.

I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens.