Quotes from George Carlin

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

You rarely meet a wino with perfect pitch.

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius.

I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

Tonight's forecast: Dark. Continued dark tonight turning to partly light in the morning.

And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.