Quotes from George Carlin

The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.

It's harder to be funny from the position of power.

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fu...