Quotes from George Carlin

Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.

War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.

The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.

[F*@%] all the people who say, "God bless," and then don't bother to complete the sentence. Who they are, I haven't the slightest. But, if I were God, I would not honor such a request.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.

This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal.

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

I was never a pipe or bong man. That's California stuff. I was an Eastern roller.

There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.

The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.

It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

Long-range weather forecast: It's gonna get real hot, then it's gonna get real cold, then it's gonna get real hot again.

Tonight's forecast: dark. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to widely scattered light in the morning.

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

Hard work is for people short on talent.

If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.

I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

At 68 I'm every age I ever was. I always think of that. I'm not just 68. I'm also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

I actually was a writer who had the ability to perform his own work as opposed to a comedian who wrote his own material. So that really made me happy and changed my whole perspective.

I don't understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I'd be glad to share with him.