Quotes from George Carlin

Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work.

When I'm not actually doing my work, I'm planning it or thinking about it or reading things that on some level are transformed into performance fantasies. I have no active interests.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

I consider the coke a major cause. Of course, you could also make the argument that because cocaine speeds up the heart, it's good for you.

Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken word, the writing that goes into it is an art form - it's certainly artistry.

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius.

Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.

Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they're cramming for their final exam.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your whole life...? Take a freakin' chance!

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.

Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.

And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.

They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.

Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't.