Quotes from George Carlin

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Meow" means "woof" in cat.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself."

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I'm a happy guy!

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.

Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.

I suspect there really was more to my accident than bad luck. I think it was God's way of punishing my nose.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.