Quotes from George Carlin

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If black boxes survive air crashes, why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

And then there are the times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

I'm always relieved when someone delivers a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.

What year did Jesus think it was?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of 'em are stupider than that.

Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?