Quotes from George Carlin

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal weaponry, as this country does; and racial hatred, which is part of our heritage as white Europeans; and then you add the volatile ingredient of "nothing".

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

There is now a Starbucks in my pants.

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

I recently bought a book of free verse. For $12.

You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.