Quotes from George Carlin

Does killing time damage eternity?

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.

Surround yourself with what you love.

Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.

We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.

I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing.

Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."

You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they're wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important.

The patterns became even more vivid at Cardinal Hayes High School. That's when I began failing subjects and running away from home for days at a time.

Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.'

Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it's not there anymore? And then when you take it off it feels like it's still there?

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

Religion is just mind control.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time I sewed a button on a lampshade. I like to leave a mark.

If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together.

Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.